Yesterday I felt like doing nothing, I felt tired and drained because I slept terribly the night before and this reflected on my overall energy. I binged watched my favorite TV show and spent time with my parents doing nothing. The feeling of guilt built up gradually, however I could not make myself doing anything “useful”. This is the thing with working freelance and from home. You organize your own day and when you are not at work and when you do not have a strict dead line on your hands, slacking is almost allowed. I just observed the people around me going to work, pondering about their usual worries and I was not much different than them. Except I chose to ponder a bit different worries by excluding myself from the “normal” 9 to 5 workday. Today, however, after a good night sleep I could not wait to start working, and my “work” fulfilled my whole day, because I would be constantly thinking about new ideas and how I could improve different bits of my work.
I remembered why I chose this life style. It is risky not to have a real job, not to be sheltered by an organization and a steady paychecks. However, it is risky as well to avoid the internal drive and the need to be and do more in comparison what I did before as a psychologist in schools or hospitals.I don’t think that these types of jobs I mentioned are not important and not motivating, however, for me, it just did not feel right. I loved the people at my work places and I think they are just amazing in their jobs, but I could not envision myself doing the same thing or being in the same organization my whole life or without a chance for a change. The repetitive nature of work in these types of organization was draining for me.
I remembered this feeling of freedom trough sharing and connecting with people that motivated me to change my life style. The change itself motivates me. The change in the environment, in the type of job, in the people I see everyday. Although, I would have to admit, I also need some kind of balance between this constant need for change and a certain degree of security. I enjoy my commitment to the selected group of friends, my family and my partner, and I enjoy my commitment to my passion to expend and grow as a person. I find comfort and shelter in these elements of my life, and they give me strength to explore the world. There is a resemblance in this to a child that feels secure enough in his mother that he or she can explore his environment without the fear of being abandoned.
Maybe I sound as one of those spoiled millennials that think they are special and have a luxury of feeling special, however I do not feel guilty for that. I own my choices and I feel like I am on the right path.
Today, I remembered my drive and this feeling compelled to work and go back to my own path which is full of uncertainty, but which is abundant in excitement, joy and opportunities as well.